you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
