Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
