I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
