i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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