I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
