Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
