you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
