i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
