just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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