My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
