Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
