she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
