I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
