I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
