: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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