Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
