If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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