I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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