I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
