I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
