I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Four minutes until I can fart!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
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