Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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