Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
