He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
