Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
