I will die if light touches me.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I won't apologize to a one balled man
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
