I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
