Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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