just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
