Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
