i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Randomize
