I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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