ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
