did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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