Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
