Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
