allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
