I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
