i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
