Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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