As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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