babies were throwing up all over the place
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
