I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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