I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
