What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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