Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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