i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
