you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
