i think my tv is drunk
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
