Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
