Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
