Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
