There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
